The First Golf Game

The morning dew glistens, the smell of wet grass fills my nostrils, the birds chirp happily and the golf carts hum as they whiz by on the concrete paths. With my Starbucks cup filled with the sweet nectar of coffee beans, I sit near the clubhouse nursing a hangover, watching my husband take practice strokes and waiting for the loudspeaker to call out "McBride Twosome, McBride Twosome."

I review my outfit for golf-safety and style. No loose strings, open sweater or dangly straps to tie myself up in mid-swing. My hair is pulled into a pony-tail and bobby-pins to avoid face-whipping or temporary blindness by renegade strands. Pink Bermuda shorts say, "I respect the dress code...but I'm not wearing boring khaki shorts" and a white Ralph Lauren t-shirt says, "This is all I can afford at Ralph Lauren....and I bought it 10 pounds ago." Hmmm...need a new golf shirt. My running shoes look a bit awkward and I realize the next purchase I need to make (now that my irons, woods, putter and bag have been secured) is golf shoes. Hmm, I wonder if they make pink golf shoes? Or maybe some that kind of look like Keens, all strappy and sporty. Or some sandals so I don't get tan lines...I'm sure there's lots of options. I review the spouse's outfit....he too needs new golf shoes. "McBride Twosome" bellows from the clubhouse and we're off!

I stand at the red markers on the women's tee. Shoulders square, feet in line, knees bent slightly, head down. I'm feeling quite knowledgeable about golf and have a sneaking suspicion that I'm a golfing prodigy of some kind. Certain that I'm about to impress the spouse and all other golfers on the course with my natural ability...I swing back and Bam!

I actually hit the ball! Oh my God, I hit it and it went....about 20 yards. Shit! Embarrassed by the fact that I even have a golf cart to drive me to my ball...I wave the spouse on and walk the miserably short distance. I stand over the ball and think, “this time I'm gonna do it right.” I focus....I swing.....And.....I miss. Whipped around by own force, I suddenly feel pain...Ouch!

With my ego bruised and a possible shoulder-injury, I line up to hit again. This time...I hit it! Horray! It goes much farther, on the ground, and straight-ish. Not bad! One more swing to get me on the green.

I walk to the ball, the spouse looking at me from the green, which he’s been on for at least the last 5 minutes. He yells out, "Sandwedge!" I think, "Got it - the one with the 'S' on it” ...see I AM knowledgeable about golf! He then yells out "Don't overswing!"

Puh! Overswing!! Is he joking?? I don't think that's possible...its taken me three strokes to get about 110 yards. Overswing...haha...thanks for the confidence, honey! So I pull back and whack it! .....Woah! Its up in the air, flying towards the green, flying....over the green......finally it drops down in some tall grass well beyond my intended landing spot. This game is really getting to be annoying.

Avoiding eye-contact with the spouse, I walk behind the green and see my ball just barely poking one-side out of the surprisingly thick, tall grass. I realize I am now on an uphill. Standing at an angle, lining up the Sandwedge again - only this time I’m planning a quarter-swing - I try to balance and hit the ball simultaneously. Plunk! Right on the green! Wa-hoo!!

Smiling, with my confidence renewed, I grab the putter thinking “All I need to do is get the ball in the hole. This I can do. I saw Happy Gilmore, all I need to do is go my happy place, line up, swing back and tap-tap-tapparooo.” And I tap-tap-tapparoo'd it right past the hole, off the green. Ugh! Really...??!?!?!?

....I’ll save you the rest of the details about putting.... lets just say I ended up knocking it in at around 14 strokes (did I mention this was a Par 3). The game went on...and thankfully I did get better. I didn't go above 8 strokes after that first hole, so I got that goin’ for me. And on my last Par 3, it was in the hole (that’s what she said) in only 4 strokes....Bogie!...and MUCH better than 14!

At the end of the day, I learned that I like golf...unfortunately I have no natural ability and didn’t impress anyone with my skillz on the first try but I think I'll get there with lot more practice....and a new pair of golf shoes.